Im happy but there is a heavy feeling of sadness in my heart that I just can't remove. Why am I like this?

I had run out of hope.

I was tired of trying and failing.

When I stopped trying to force myself to be something I am not, I gave myself the freedom of being who I am.

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It’s impossible to overstate the freedom and peace I discovered, and I realized the only one who had been keeping those from me was… me and my imagined standards and expectations for how I had imagined I should be.

You are like me, then.

What most people don’t know unless they’ve looked more closely is that there is also an element of deep, profound sadness that has always been with me since as long as I can remember.

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So I finally threw my hands up and said something to the tune of “fuck it, since I can't seem to change, I’ll just be whatever I am then.”

What I am trying to say is that when you stop trying to change yourself into something you are not, you give yourself the gift of discovering yourself as you already are.

In the absence of a should, I was free to be as I am.

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Most people that know me would probably describe me as a social, happy, and somewhat quirky person with a twisted sense of humor.

Needless to say, my failed attempts to fix my sadness simply brought me more pain and suffering.

The sadness was still there.

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And the sadness?

For much of my adult life, I interpreted this sadness as something being wrong - with either myself or my life in general.

Be who you already are.

Im not transphobic/homophobic but, am I in the wrong for being uncomfortable when a trans person comes into the lockeroom? I just dont want them to stare at me while Im changing.

It wasn’t until about 10 years ago that I finally fell out of that ferris wheel of trying and failing to fix myself.

It’s difficult to put into words exactly what caused what, but to the best of my ability to describe it, I felt as if my will to keep fighting was beaten right out of me.

It’s the most beautiful and liberating thing in the world.

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Without resistance, sadness has a sense of beauty and depth I cannot find otherwise in life.

I was tired of fighting.

Your job is not to be the manager of your life, but the one who discovers yourself fully.

What can I do after 18 cops raided my home, without a warrant, seeking a person who didn't live there and wasn't there, and also went through all of my stuff? The person wasn't on the lease, and they didn't see him enter.

Now, this may sound like a story of failure and giving up, but it’s actually a story of liberation.

But no matter what I read or practiced, I could never make the sadness budge for longer than a few fleeting moments - and even then, it was likely due to me being distracted from the sensation of sadness rather than anything actually shifting.

It’s still here.

My religion teacher said that there are no atheists because in order to reject God, you must first have a concept of God, and if you have a concept of God, you are not an atheist. In what way is this true, if at all? Why?

It’s here now, writing to you.

But unlike before, there is no more resistance to the sadness.

This interpretation lead me on a path of self improvement, to fix what I considered to be “wrong” with myself.

This moon in the solar system continues to surprise scientists with the discovery of alternating water forms on its surface. - Farmingdale Observer

So if you are sad - like me - then be sad.

You are the masterpiece you came here to discover.